Trembling hands, heart pumping quickly, random thoughts coming in and out, butterflies in stomach, plus fear. These are some of the things I am feeling whenever it’s time to go to work. Have you felt it too?
Don’t you hate it when your heart and mind refused to go to work? But hey, we need work, aren’t we?
Last week, my boss talked to me. He asked me why am I acting differently these past few days. At first, I was hesitant to tell him the truth because I was afraid of being labeled as ‘weak’. Being a Team Manager, this is something that is unexpected of me. I know.
But I told him the truth, anyway.
‘Boss, I’ve been having anxiety and panic attacks lately. It only happens everytime I go to work.’
How and why is this happening?, my boss asked. ‘I don’t know.’
Unfortunately, these questions are hard to answer. Are you experiencing the same? Can you explain why you’re feeling that way?
A Team Manager has a very huge responsibility of empowering the team. We have to show that we are strong all the time. We should not show any signs of weakness as the team might get scared for their future. We must show that we are knowledgeable about everything. We should show that we genuinely care. In short, we should be a role model.
The thought of it sounds lovely, isn’t it? If you want to be in the same position, please know it is really difficult.
It is hard to smile while holding your anxiety within you. It is difficult to handle a problem especially if you can’t show it to anyone until you get back home. Not only that you are keeping it from your team, you also have to keep it from your bosses.
‘Cause apparently, everyone, including your boss will think that you don’t deserve the role if you show any piece of weakness.
After that night, my boss rarely talks to me. I noticed that the job he was giving me before are now given to another person. He is no longer responding to my requests and emails. He sometimes turns the blame on me for things I have no idea with.
Anxiety made me believe that I am not worthy of this position and this job. That I will only be ruining my team’s performance and existence if I continue to stay. So, I am fully aware that this job is not for me. They don’t have to rub it in my face.
Now, my question is, why is it hard for the corporate world to fully accept anxiety, depression or any other mental illness? Why do they think of it as a weakness?
This blog post will surely have its part 2, so if you want to share your experience, insights or any reactions, please leave your comments below. If you have a blog posts related to the topic, please leave it too. I’d love to read about your experiences about this too!